Parenting Your Teenager: How to Respond to Manipulation
April 28, 2007
Q. My daughter has gotten very good at manipulating us, and sometimes we do not even know it has happened until much later. How can we tell if we are being manipulated, and how can we stop it, or at least handle it better?
A. Here’s the thing about teens and manipulation:
The average 15-year-old is 15 going on 25 and 15 going on 5 all at the same time.
What this means is they combine the verbal ability and “wisdom” of the 15-going-on-25-year-old with the “I want what I want when I want it which is NOW! and I will make you pay if you say no” of the 15-going-on-5-year-old and come up with some very powerful manipulation.
For now, all you need to know is that if you think you are being manipulated, you probably are, and not only that, you probably already have been.
Trust your “parenting gut.” If you get an uneasy feeling about what is happening, that can be an indication that manipulation is going on.
Some other ways to tell if teens are manipulating:
=>Behavior does not match words
ParentingYour Teenager: Dont Buy the I Dont Know and I Dont Care Attitude
April 28, 2007
“I don’t know and I don’t care.”
I’ve heard those words more than a few times in my office. Sometimes I think “I don’t know and I don’t care” is the universal teen tribal motto.
So what to do?
I remember working with one kid who said absolutely nothing in the first session but “I don’t know and I don’t care” at least 10 times each.
So just before he came for his next session, I wrote “I don’t know” on one side of a sheet of paper and “I don’t care” on the other side. I then taped the piece of paper to the couch I thought he was most likely to sit on.
In comes the kid, cracks up laughing, tapes the paper to his shirt, and then begins to talk for the rest of the meeting.
3 Keys for How to Respond
I tell you the above story because it offers three keys on how to respond to “I don’t know and I don’t care.”
1) Don’t buy into what they are saying. It’s just a way to try to get you to back off, and/or to see if you care enough to pursue them.
Parenting Your Teenager: Self-Decorating or Self-Harm - How to Tell the Difference
April 27, 2007
Q. I need your help with a question about my teen-age daughter. Getting her ears pierced was no big deal, but then she wanted to get a belly button ring and a tongue ring. We let her get the belly button one but not the tongue one.
Just the other night, we walked into her room and she was scratching on her leg with a pair of scissors. She was drawing a little blood, but she says it’s no big deal and no different from getting her belly button pierced and that her best friend does it, too.
This does not sound right, but I don’t want to overreact. Is it the same? Also, does this mean she is suicidal, and should I tell her friend’s parents about what is going on?
A. I applaud you for going with your instincts and not buying the con that cutting yourself with scissors is just like a navel ring and everyone else is doing it.
It’s not the same, and everyone else is not doing it.
Getting your ears, navel, tongue, lips, nose, etc., pierced for a ring, while it may look strange, is called self decorating.
Keeping Your Children Safe
April 27, 2007
The purpose of this article is to address some of the key points parents need to know in order to keep their children safe.
Let them know who can help them:
When I was an officer I participated in something called “Safty Town”. What they did was educated very young children (ages 4 to 5) on safety matters. My role was to visit the children while in uniform, then the instructor and myself would educate the children on how to identify a police officer. We would point out things on my uniform like my badge, radio, big belt with all sorts of stuff, and the color of my uniform. The purpose was to get the children to understand what a police officer would look like and more importantly to let them know that we are there to help them if they need help.
I WONT DO IT! Tips for Working with the Oppositional Child
April 27, 2007
“I WON’T DO IT!” “YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!”
Whether parent or teacher, we have all “been there” and “done that” with a child exhibiting refusal behaviors. Before “losing your cool” and your power as well, interventions and strategies are provided for use to help deescalate this classic power struggle.
-Avoid placing yourself in a stand-off situation with the child.
-Don’t "mark a line in the sand" unless prepared to follow through with the consequences on your own. Creating a demand situation?."You will sit in your seat or I will call someone to seat you"?.will cause the authority figure to lose his/her power. This is a main goal of oppositional children?personal control over their environment.
-Under a demand situation, especially with authority figures, an oppositional child will be more likely to escalate to extreme opposition. Stop talking. Give the child a chance to detach from the situation with some power. Problem-solving the situation when both parties are calm will prove more productive.
-Phrase requests which are more likely to bring an oppositional response with a negative statement?"I don’t expect you would want to?." Or "You probably wouldn’t want to?.."
Properly Care For Your Children
April 27, 2007
When it comes to your newborn or children’s health, it is very important to get to know every inch of their body in order to make sure they’ll receive proper health care now and in the future. As adults we’re constantly reminded of how important it is to get to know our body and to check for certain things. So really we have to keep this same attitude with our children until they are able to do so for him or her self.
When you get to know your baby from their birthday; it becomes easier to identify changes or symptoms that can cause problems with your baby or children’s health. Thankfully though as a child gets older or starts to talk, they can tell you when they are not feeling up to par. Arming yourself with this information will help the Pediatrician with all your children’s health or childhood health problems.
What is normal for them? Take notes of their behavior patterns, their play and sleep patterns. What is the difference shown when ill or when well? How are their bodies developing or does something appear abnormal. If this is your first experience with a newborn, arm yourself with such information and be prepared to give that history at each physician visit and please keep a log of this in your files and in a fire proof safe.
Best Tips for Stress Free Child Party Games
April 26, 2007
When planning a child birthday party, just a little bit of organisation will go a long way. A good selection of child party games will keep the group interested and the party running smoothly. Always keep in mind that during the course of the day the weather may turn against you so be prepared to move the party (and games) indoors if necessary!
Have an idea of how you would like the party to flow- a typical choice would be: some games or a party craft to start, a break for food and cake, and then some more games or free play to wind up the party. Depending on the location for your party it may be only indoor games or outdoor games that you need to focus on. Either way a mix of games with present opening and food dispersed between should maintain a good flow.
In selecting the child party games it is wise to have a few more games prepared than you think you will need. Some games may finish quickly or if the children are not showing interest, a couple of back-ups can save you from any embarrassment. Prepare all of the music, props and prizes before the party and make sure that you are clear on the rules. If you do not want to give out prizes after every game then choose games that do not have clear ‘winner’ and are less competitive.
Screaming Kids Driving You Nuts? Four Rules to Help You Keep Your Sanity!
April 26, 2007
Often I will hear parents say, “I just ignore Jr. when he has a fit or screams.”
Though there may be times when this is appropriate it is not appropriate when Jr. is less than 5 years of age! Why? Because your child needs to receive training in proper and acceptable behavior. Screaming to get your own way is not proper or acceptable! If your child is screaming to get something, there are reasons he is doing this and I caution you, you may not like them!
First, your child has been taught to scream. That’s right, taught. I know it isn’t pleasant and I know you didn’t do it intentionally, but bear with me…it is true, you taught him to scream! When babies begin to gain their independence they develop personal tastes for foods, people, their environment and even situations. In other words, they start to know what they want in life. The problem? They have a limited number of ways to communicate what they want because they have not mastered language yet. So what do they do? They wave their arms, they kick their feet, they point, they make noise, and when that doesn’t work, they muster up, and let out a blood curdling scream. Yikes!
Did You Get the Hidden Parenting Message in Finding Nemo?
April 26, 2007
In the movie, Finding Nemo, Nemo’s father, Marlyn asks the sea turtle, “Dude, how do you know when they are ready?”
This is an interesting question that many parents would like to know. How DO you know when your children are ready to take on tasks for themselves? The only way to know if your children are ready for something is to test them. In the movie you may remember Nemo being in the fish tank and becoming stuck in the air tube, all of the other fish wanted to rescue Nemo from a certain death. All except Gil. Gil could see that Nemo was perfectly capable of getting out of the tube for himself. Nemo on the other hand was told his entire life by his father that he couldn’t swim well because he had a bad fin. Nemo promptly relayed this message to Gil. Yet Gil didn’t buy it. He could see that Nemo could indeed save himself and he told him so. So what could Nemo do? Nothing. Nothing that is except perform. He had to save himself because he had no other choice. He had to get out of the air tube himself or he would die. When put to the test by Gil, Nemo passed with flying colors. He got himself out of the air tube and quickly realized that he COULD do it himself. Gil instantly gave Nemo the gift of self-accomplishment and confidence that his father had unintentionally robbed Nemo of his entire life.
Got To, Get To ? Change The Way Your Family Thinks
April 26, 2007
I recently heard a story that has literally changed the way that I, and my family, think about life. The story is as follows:
There was once a high-powered woman in her 30s who ran her own company and was massively successful in business. Yet every single day, at 10am, she visited her elderly mother, who was in an old peoples’ home. When asked if she could attend meetings at that time, she would reply, "I’m sorry, I’ve got to visit my mother". She sometimes resented the commitment and was occasionally ridiculed, but nevertheless answered, "No, I’m sorry, I’ve got to visit my mother."
One day her mother died. Soon afterwards she was asked if she could make a meeting at 10am the following day. She started to reply, "No, I’m sorry, I’ve got to visit my mother", but of course quickly realised that this was no longer the case. Sadly, she realised that for many years she had been saying, "I’ve got to visit my mother" when what she
should have instead been saying was, "I get to visit my mother". She would never “get to” visit her mother again.
